Having my own apartment is heaven. I’ve always wanted a place to sing and watch movies and spend hours getting ready to go out. Everything changed when I moved into my studio. I light candles. I sit on top of my dresser and eat cheese and crackers while I watch reality TV. I tend to my plants while I talk to my mom on the phone. I get stoned and rearrange the photos on the wall and swiffer the floors. Most afternoons I take a long walk and write my ideas down in my notes app. I’m making small choices every day that lead me towards lightness and joy. I never knew it was the small things that mattered. If 28 is late in life to learn how to not be a victim of circumstances, I’m a late bloomer. Happiness is a butterfly, but if you run around with a net for long enough you’ll probably capture it. My frontal lobe feels formed.
I painted my walls green two weeks ago when all my friends were out of town one weekend. I decided to do it the night before as I was falling asleep. I like to dive right into a project without doing any research or prep. I’ve been like that since I was a kid. I don’t like to spoil the momentum of a fun idea by boring planning. Two full days & eight movies later, after diligently cleaning every accidental drop of paint off the furniture, sweeping the floors and throwing away my drop mat, I sat down on my couch and realized I hated it. I’d been cocking my head from side to side all weekend waiting for it to come together as I went, trusting the process. Turns out the green shade I chose (#402) was called “Neon” on the Benjamin Moore website. I was going for something a lot less Florida. I could have saved myself a weekend’s worth of work with a quick google search. Impulsive! Childish! Not a sign of someone with a fully developed frontal lobe! My painter friend Sam said it could be saved with the right decor. She sent me Pinterest boards of green walls with accents of lavender and raspberry as suggestions on ways to soothe the brash Charli XCX mess I had created. I’d have to buy all new furniture. I read about color theory and learned about how colors of the same value cause vibration like an optical illusion on a psychedelic poster. My neon walls were ultimately too unsettling and needed to be corrected.
I kept the walls for one week and pondered on what they could be a metaphor for. My song “Good Side” comes out on Wednesday. I wrote it two years ago about someone who I set free from my life embarrassingly recently. I remember watching girls on TV shows keep going back to bad stupid mean boys when I was a kid and feeling so superior. I would never have an Audrina & Justin Bobby dynamic when I grew up. Gross. Then you do grow up and you realize you are literally being an Audrina and everyone knows it except for you!
The Justin Bobby who used to be in my life takes up all the space in the room. On the surface he is beloved, because he makes it his life’s purpose to be adored (insecure?). He often has another girlfriend who is not you. When he gets you alone he says horrible things about her to make you believe he wants you instead. He holds your face in his hands. You do things you are ashamed of, like make burner accounts to watch her story. You show up places you think he might be at just to have an interaction. He ignores you for days and then shows up in the middle of the night begging for forgiveness and sex. “Good Side” is about trying to adapt. Building a cozy nest on the back burner while waiting for him to change, and being a good friend to him in the meantime. I don’t like to give advice because I don’t know what I’m doing ever, but if anyone identifies with this at all, unfollow & stop responding. You’re not being dramatic, you’re being practical. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and pain and doing so will feel like taking a big deep breath and giving yourself a hug.
I can only blame myself. A smart girl would’ve gotten out faster. It’s color theory. It’s trying to dim your own vibrancy into a soft lavender to compliment someone else’s shade #402. Devaluing your natural color in order to not create a vibration. Should I hit you over the head with this allegory some more?? I think it’s pretty solid. I repainted my walls shade #2034-60, “Light Pistachio” the following weekend and it felt so good to cool my apartment down. My yellow couch and my pastel quilt looked blended. Everything was balanced. I never thought I had a problem before, but I’m keeping a close eye on my self worth lately. I didn’t even mind painting two weekends in a row because I love the feeling of when my hands are busy and my brain is focused. I watched the Faye Dunaway documentary on HBO. I love being alone.
On September 14th I have my album release show for Moth Mouth at TV Eye with May Rio and Annie Blackman in NYC and TICKETS are available now. I would love for you to come <3 <3 <3
